Let It Out Monday

Sent to me by a friend...

The Dream by David Solway

I dreamed that you had ceased to love me-

not that you had come from other beds

back to mine, or gone from mine to others,

just that something in your heart had stopped.

I willed myself awake to find you still

beside me. It was just a dream, I thought,

yet when I turned to kiss you, in your eyes

I saw that you had ceased to love me.

I willed myself awake a second time

to find myself alone, as I have been

these many months, but did not know if it

was terror or relief I felt, and whether

dreams unfold the past or make the future

plain. I dreamed that you had ceased to love me,

and know when I see nothing in your eyes

I can't dream myself awake a third time.

Dear First Love

"I worked so hard for that first kiss, and a heart don't forget something like that. Like an old photograph, time can make a feeling fade. But the memory of a first love never fades away."

Dear First Love,

What is it about you, that always keeps me around? I've tried to forget about you. Ignore you. You were a part of my high school life, and I intended to leave you there. But you didn't give up on me. We could be fighting, but you would still text me every day to see how my day went. Even when I did absolutely nothing to stay in contact with you, you still tried. And now it's been almost three years since we graduated from that hell hole. And you still text me. Tell me you miss me. What does your girlfriend think of this? I wonder if she even knows. You still make me say "I love you" before hanging up the phone. And all this used to annoy me but now, I've just grown to accept it. I think there's a little part in both of us that just can't fully let go- that's what happens when you have one person that you share all your firsts with. First kiss, first real boyfriend, first love... it's as if I can feel the strain keeping us together. This string between each of our hearts, that no matter how far we are away from each other, or how much I try to pretend it's not there, really always is there. And I have a feeling it always will be.

"I love you",

Faith

Dear Journal

"It would be curious to discover who it is to whom one writes in a diary. Possibly to some mysterious personification of one's own identity."

Dear Journal,

I don't write to you. I mean, I have you. And I write in you. But I don't write to you, have you ever noticed that? I just did today... I never say "my life" or "my brother", I say "our life", "our brother". Does that mean I'm a schizo? Haha, no... I think it's because I'm writing to my future self. The person that will be reading it in years to come. Sad that we'll never meet, Past Me and Future Me. And it's not like one day I'll just switch over. I'll morph into her, little by little, throughout the years, until one day I'm reading that same entry and I'll realize- I am her. Hm. Just a thought...

Talk to you later,

Present Fai

Dear Followers

I am a mess and need my bloggers! So sorry I have forgotten about you with all this study abroad hype. Forgive me? ^_^

Love you all,
And I'll be sure to write soon!
Fai

Dear Hot Stuff

"The love-bite, it is the beginning. You will be irresistible."

Dear Hot Stuff,

Wow. I've always thought you were something, but now that you and your girlfriend have broken up I think I can finally say it- You. Are so. Hot. We like all the same things, and let's face it- we look perfect standing next to one another. And did I mention that you're hot? And now you've gone into full-on flirt mode since the breakup and I just can't stay away. I find you completely irresistible. Why do I have to be leaving to study abroad now? The definition of bad timing- seriously. At least we have the whole summer to spend together. Like you said, "Neither of us have ties now, so watch out when we meet- you never know what could happen..."

Still completely taken away, 

Fai

Let It Out Monday

From the mind of Hassan at Palabras de la Tortuga...

If you read this please read ALL of this!!!

TO MY EXGIRLFRIEND...

I don't tell you what I'm feeling to make you feel my pain. I tell you because unlike you I'm not afraid to speak to you and tell you what's on my mind. It fucks with me how the very sight of you can fuck with my mind. You shouldn't matter to me anymore. I shouldn't give a fuck about you or anything that you are doing. I think about you and every time I do it makes me feel weak. The thought of you makes me pause in silence. I can't believe this bullshit. I'm mad at myself for giving a shit about someone who made there feelings clear. I mean you didn't really. After everything between us all i got was "I don't think about it."

Guess it's that easy, I'm that easily put out of peoples minds. You included...

I tell you that I miss you because I deeply and truly fucking miss you.

I have a list of other problems that need attention. I feel like all I'm doing in life is making my way through it. No true direction. I should be doing and focusing on that but I can't cuz I'm too busy thinking of someone who isn't thinking of me. I know my problem not yours...

I know that if I don't focus on my dreams no one will. I feel like I tell people whatever sounds good. Just to make them not worry.

I'd be lying to myself if I said I'm not hurting. I'd be lyin if I said that I don't miss feeling like my life was somewhat normal. I'd be lying if the following thoughts never crossed my mind:

I wish I never gave you my number. I wish I never wanted to hang out with you. I wish I never went to the westin with you. I wish I never took that picture of you that day. I wish I never saw pineapple express. I wish I never took you out on a date that Saturday night. I wish I never took that chance to be with even after your warning. I wish I never decided to to try and be with you. I wish I never fell so deep in love with someone I can never have. I wish I never introduced you to my family. I wish I never introduced you to my friends. I wish I never included you in my life. I wish I never tried so fucking hard to be apart of your life. I wish I never wanted to be apart of your life. I wish I never made love to you. I wish I never made you smile. I wish I never touched your face. I wish I never touched you. I wish I never knew you. I wish I never went to AIU and met you in the first place. I wish I never did any of the things I did for you. I wish I never played the music you liked in my car. I wish I never bought you that locket. I wish I never bought you Asher the day I picked you up from the hospital. I wish we never wrote in that damn book! I wish I never danced with you. I wish we never made memories together. I wish I never created 34-29. I wish I never held you as you threw up from drinking too much on Julianne's bathroom floor. I wish I never let you teach me Spanish. I wish I never fucking met you!

Yes I said it! You treat me like just another stranger! I don't care how much you hurt, I hurt too damnit. I dont care if it hurts you to look me in the eyes. I don't care if you feel guilty everytime you look at me. I don't care if you think it's your fault I hurt. I don't care if you felt like you could have prevented it! You didn't because you wanted it too. You wanted this to last too! Right? Then why?! Why can't you go after what you fucking want and attain it? You always said if you want it you go get it, you don't wait around for someone to give it to you. Well I've been here, and not once have I seen you try to make contact with me. So this leads me to believe you don't want me, and for what it's worth you didn't really want me. That maybe you jut wanted attention from a guy becuase your then boyfriend was across the country and never made an attempt to actually be with you. Yes i fucking said it!

Yes I'll admit that you probably did love me, or atleast were infatuated with me but you weren't ever in love. No I think not. I will admit you not falling was my fault. I have problems like everyone else, but not so far as to make another believe that I love them when I don't.

I just want to fucking forget about that whole situation. I wish I could just magically not think about it. I wish I really could, but every fucking night I look at my phone and sometimes I forget why I'm looking at my phone but I always remember the feeling that should have been there. I don't hate you, you don't deserve that much respect in my heart. No what I feel for you is pity.

Yes pity! Not disappointment, malice, anger, sadness, or even rejection. No just pity, I'm a man with his share of problems, shit I'm seeing a gotdamn psychiatrist. My home is broken, I barely get by financially, my grades aren't that great, I still live at home, I'm single and miserable, and to top it all off I'm still stuck on my ex girl friend ;).

So yes I pity you...but at the same time I miss the hell out of you...and all I ask for is a phone call, a text message, fb chat, something...if your heart has guilt why don't you try to make a mends through loose friendship...you don't want friendship perhaps? No I think you just don't have the guts to face me and own up to your mistake...yeah your mistake, and when I say mistake I mean me...your mistake is me, I should have never happened...

I'm sorry to have been such a blemish to your honor, past and memory...and there is no sarcasm behind these words...just frustration, not with you but with myself for not realizing this sooner...

Hearts don't break evenly...

-HaS

Dear Brother

"It was nice growing up with someone like you- someone to lean on, someone to count on... someone to tell on!"

Dear Brother,

You are the quintessential younger brother. You wake me up in the morning by pouring cold water on my face. You hide the remote control so I can't change the channel on TV. You steal my phone and text guys things like "Thinking about you" and "I want you so bad". You eat all the popcorn in the bowl before I can get any. You slip ice down the back of my shirt when I'm not looking, and take embarrassing pictures of me while I'm sleeping and post them on the internet.

You also look to me for advice. Call me up when you're nervous about something. Confide in me. Text me things like "Miss you already" an hour after you drop me off at school. Accompany me on anything from shopping trips to road trips to "prank the neighbors" trips. Record my favorite show when you know I won't be home. Defend me when people talk bad about me behind my back, and are content with staying at home with me watching movie marathons for the entire day.

I could say you're my best friend, but you're more than that- you're my brother. And that will always be forever.

Love you,

Faith