I don't tell you what I'm feeling to make you feel my pain. I tell you because unlike you I'm not afraid to speak to you and tell you what's on my mind. It fucks with me how the very sight of you can fuck with my mind. You shouldn't matter to me anymore. I shouldn't give a fuck about you or anything that you are doing. I think about you and every time I do it makes me feel weak. The thought of you makes me pause in silence. I can't believe this bullshit. I'm mad at myself for giving a shit about someone who made there feelings clear. I mean you didn't really. After everything between us all i got was "I don't think about it."
Guess it's that easy, I'm that easily put out of peoples minds. You included...
I tell you that I miss you because I deeply and truly fucking miss you.
I have a list of other problems that need attention. I feel like all I'm doing in life is making my way through it. No true direction. I should be doing and focusing on that but I can't cuz I'm too busy thinking of someone who isn't thinking of me. I know my problem not yours...
I know that if I don't focus on my dreams no one will. I feel like I tell people whatever sounds good. Just to make them not worry.
I'd be lying to myself if I said I'm not hurting. I'd be lyin if I said that I don't miss feeling like my life was somewhat normal. I'd be lying if the following thoughts never crossed my mind:
I wish I never gave you my number. I wish I never wanted to hang out with you. I wish I never went to the westin with you. I wish I never took that picture of you that day. I wish I never saw pineapple express. I wish I never took you out on a date that Saturday night. I wish I never took that chance to be with even after your warning. I wish I never decided to to try and be with you. I wish I never fell so deep in love with someone I can never have. I wish I never introduced you to my family. I wish I never introduced you to my friends. I wish I never included you in my life. I wish I never tried so fucking hard to be apart of your life. I wish I never wanted to be apart of your life. I wish I never made love to you. I wish I never made you smile. I wish I never touched your face. I wish I never touched you. I wish I never knew you. I wish I never went to AIU and met you in the first place. I wish I never did any of the things I did for you. I wish I never played the music you liked in my car. I wish I never bought you that locket. I wish I never bought you Asher the day I picked you up from the hospital. I wish we never wrote in that damn book! I wish I never danced with you. I wish we never made memories together. I wish I never created 34-29. I wish I never held you as you threw up from drinking too much on Julianne's bathroom floor. I wish I never let you teach me Spanish. I wish I never fucking met you!
Yes I said it! You treat me like just another stranger! I don't care how much you hurt, I hurt too damnit. I dont care if it hurts you to look me in the eyes. I don't care if you feel guilty everytime you look at me. I don't care if you think it's your fault I hurt. I don't care if you felt like you could have prevented it! You didn't because you wanted it too. You wanted this to last too! Right? Then why?! Why can't you go after what you fucking want and attain it? You always said if you want it you go get it, you don't wait around for someone to give it to you. Well I've been here, and not once have I seen you try to make contact with me. So this leads me to believe you don't want me, and for what it's worth you didn't really want me. That maybe you jut wanted attention from a guy becuase your then boyfriend was across the country and never made an attempt to actually be with you. Yes i fucking said it!
Yes I'll admit that you probably did love me, or atleast were infatuated with me but you weren't ever in love. No I think not. I will admit you not falling was my fault. I have problems like everyone else, but not so far as to make another believe that I love them when I don't.
I just want to fucking forget about that whole situation. I wish I could just magically not think about it. I wish I really could, but every fucking night I look at my phone and sometimes I forget why I'm looking at my phone but I always remember the feeling that should have been there. I don't hate you, you don't deserve that much respect in my heart. No what I feel for you is pity.
Yes pity! Not disappointment, malice, anger, sadness, or even rejection. No just pity, I'm a man with his share of problems, shit I'm seeing a gotdamn psychiatrist. My home is broken, I barely get by financially, my grades aren't that great, I still live at home, I'm single and miserable, and to top it all off I'm still stuck on my ex girl friend ;).
So yes I pity you...but at the same time I miss the hell out of you...and all I ask for is a phone call, a text message, fb chat, something...if your heart has guilt why don't you try to make a mends through loose friendship...you don't want friendship perhaps? No I think you just don't have the guts to face me and own up to your mistake...yeah your mistake, and when I say mistake I mean me...your mistake is me, I should have never happened...
I'm sorry to have been such a blemish to your honor, past and memory...and there is no sarcasm behind these words...just frustration, not with you but with myself for not realizing this sooner...
"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts, that hope always triumphs over experience, that laughter is the only cure for grief, and that love is stronger than death."