Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Off to the Bahamas for a week!  So I won't be writing for a while. Don't forget that you can send in your letters for Let It Out Mondays to my e-mail- gottahavefai@gmail.com!

See yaa,

Monday, December 27, 2010

Let It Out Monday

From the mind of Nil at ~nil~...

Dear Photograph,
you remind me of so much. So much that I might have forgotten coping with the cobwebs of city life, of other dreams that I'm chasing after, of broken chains that were meant to be only stronger with time, of myself. 
The delicate black and white of your skin holds my tiny finger like one of a baby's and leads me into a moment of my life that was frozen into mere parchement, that frozen moment was perhaps a mere second out of the scroll long years of my life, however that one frozen smile, tear, round eyes, freckle, frown tells and teaches me so much of who I am, what I might become or might have been.
When your skin smiled of warm colors- I could only feel the warmth of the sun again, the sounds of the honks nearby, the scream of the roadside wender, the bark of the angry dog, the whistle of the ticket collcetor... you take me back to yet another day of reality that makes me feel so alive and present again.
You have always had the strength to reduce me to my knees and pray again, pray for what only seemed like yesterday to come back. Pray for those people who've somehow let go or the ones who have held on so tight.. You have had the strength to show me the past as it was, without being biased or emotional.. as ironical as it sounds :)
May you capture me, many more of the sides that prevail and the ones that are hiding in somewhere, waiting for the time to step out.
For you let me make memories,
and that is something that only completes the mosaic of my life with everything right, wrong, perfect and imperfect.
For you are a frozen me, that can never disappear and will live on forever, as simply as one can ever ask for.

Friday, December 24, 2010

To My Cousin

"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house."

To My Cousin,
So, your new boyfriend is coming for Christmas Eve this year. Excited to meet him, I’ve already heard so much. Successful surgeon, right? That probably makes him a lot of money- yah, he’ll fit in fine with this family. Do you really like him, or are you just dating him because he’s successful? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel so much pressure to date someone that will be accepted by everyone, especially our family. But it’s hard. Everyone I’ve liked, I know they won’t make a lot of money in the future. They’re all education majors, like me, or don’t go to a very good school. And here we are- private jets, tropical vacations, $125/plate at some fancy-schmancy restaurant. I don’t need that stuff, but I need my family. Plus I guess I’m used to a certain lifestyle by now. How will a gym teacher provide for me? Our family would probably just look down on him. I know that sounds shallow, but you know where I’m coming from. As much as I know how love is the most important thing in marriage and relationships, I just know that someone like that would not fit in with our family. And I don’t know if I’m ready for a decreased standard of living. Ohmigosh I sound so spoiled right now. But that’s just how it is with our family. The girls major in something like nursing or education, and marry someone successful. And all the boys are expected to be doctors or lawyers or working on Wall Street. That’s just the way it is. But how can I ever expect to date somebody if I won’t even give them a chance if I know they’re not going to be successful? I feel like such a brat… I just really, really don’t know what to do.

See you later today,

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dear Romeo

Okay... this is the last one / my favorite. Done with finals! Glad everyone has liked these little blips I've been posting because I was studying. I've decided that since everyone has liked them so much, I will continue to post my favorites via twitter (check the right hand column to get to mine). Remember, I didn't write them, they're from dearblankpleaseblank.com! Thanks for all the comments! Now back to my boring old normal posts, haha ;)

Dear Romeo,

My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...

Sincerely, Juliet

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Dear people who complain about our generation

Dear people who complain about our generation,

Remember who raised us.

Sincerely, your kids.

Dear Reader

Dear Reader,

Please do me right now. On the kitchen table. In your bed. On the couch. Hell, I'll even take the floor in front of the T.V. I don't care, I just need you to do me like I've never been done before.

Sincerely, Your Homework.

Dear Men

Dear Men,

If you are going to criticize a woman's figure or any other aspect of her appearance please make 100% sure that you are Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.

Sincerely, Women.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Dear AP classes

Dear AP classes,

I believe you have my life. I'm going to need that back now.

Sincerely, sick of studying.

Dear cramps

Dear cramps,

Really? Because bleeding for five days straight wasn't bad enough?

Sincerely, Teenage girl.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Dear Depressed Girls of the World

Dear Depressed Girls of the World,

You're Welcome.

Sincerely, Ben and Jerry.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

See? This is what happens when you try to make decisions on your own.

Sincerely, Brain

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

I met a boy today. Prepare to break.

Sincerely, Girl.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dear Disney

Dear Disney,

Thanks for giving me unrealistic expectations about love.

Sincerely, Still Waiting for Prince Charming.

Dear college guys playing frisbee shirtless

Dear college guys playing frisbee shirtless outside my dorm,

Carry on.

Sincerely, Freshman girl.

Dear Sleep

Dear Sleep,

You should offer a rollover minutes plan.

Sincerely, Exhausted Student.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dear gay men

Dear gay men, 

Please stop being so much kinder, funnier, and more attractive than straight men. It's quite depressing.

Sincerely, all single women.

Dear movie watcher

Dear movie watcher,

Your parents are about to walk in.

Sincerely, the only sex scene in the movie.

Dear Boys

Dear Boys,


Sincerely, Push-Up Bras.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Dear Teacher

Dear Teacher,

Not an assignment you can finish the night before? We'll see about that...

Sincerely, Challenge Accepted.

Dear girls who tormented me

Dear girls who tormented me in 7th grade because I was smarter than you,

I need you to work overtime tomorrow.

Sincerely, your boss.

Dear girls who have been dumped

So, it's that time of year again- finals week. Since I am so extremely stressed out / exhausted, instead of posting originals I will be posting my favorite entries from dearblankpleaseblank.com. Enjoy!

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Let It Out Monday


To the one who broke my heart:
I gave you two years of my life and I gave you too much of my heart. The time I spent with you was amazing, filled with joy and love. You were my first love and my truest best friend. You were my first serious relationship, my high school sweetheart. I thought we would last so much longer, but things happen. Things fall apart. And as hard as we all may try, things do not go according to plan. As we go on, I want you to know that you will always hold a very special place in my heart. That is one thing that will never change. "No matter how much you love someone, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that." I forgive you. And I miss you. But I'm moving on. For good this time. 

Yours truly,

Sunday, December 12, 2010

To That Guy In The Library

"Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends."
To That Guy In The Library,

Ohmigosh. There you are again- I've been seeing you everywhere lately. Maybe you just stick out from everyone else 'cause you're so damn good-looking. You're walking this way. Ack! Ohmigosh, there's an open seat next to me. Ohmigosh, you're walking towards it. OHMIGOSH, YOU SAT THERE. You're sitting next to me! What do I do? Look at you? Smile? Quick glance. I feel like you're looking at me but it might just be the book next to you. The librarian just asked me an absurd question. You turned to me and smiled. Wow do you have a great smile. HOW ARE YOU SO CUTE. Ugh, why can't I say anything? I wish I knew what grade you were in, I don't want to be checking out a freshman... one more quick glance. You're working on sophomore material. One year younger, that's not bad. Look at me. Smile at me. Two hours later... now you're gone. Aw man, I missed my chance...

By the way, my name is Fai.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Dear Summer Love

"The worst part is, we didn't even have to be together for you to shatter my heart."

Dear Summer Love,

Stalked you on Facebook the other day, hardcore. Big mistake. Her name, her face, her age, I can see it all- it's the girl you're hooking up with. I look on your wall and I see posts from her friends. I look at your pictures and I see you dancing with her on nights out. It's like you're doing it right in front of me. She's really... pretty. And I resent you for it and her and the fact that I still like you yet feel like you will never like me the same way. But then I think, haven't I hooked up with other guys? Liked other guys, even? But I still always remember you, like you, wait for you, in that same little place in the back of my mind; as if I packed my feelings for you in a box and placed them in the attic for safekeeping. Is that how you feel too? Who am I kidding. Guess it's about time I got a reality check and realized there's a reason why they call it "summer love"... silly me, thinking I could make it last all year long.

Love always,

Monday, December 6, 2010

Let It Out Monday

This writer has chosen to remain anonymous...

To the Edge,
My hat goes off to you, I kinda wanna see you win this fight...
I couldn't imagine losing to any lesser, sorry knife...
4 years now ive been dreading this fight...
come to think of it, for 4 long years i've been in this same plight...
with visions of winning and smashing right through you...
petal to the floor, no seatbelt, no need, it just you and me...
I wanna win but even I can see...
no matter how much speed, I you can't beat sheer concrete...
the funny thing is if I do it we both win...
I have to end this thought before it ends...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Dear Professor

"Things have dropped from me. I have outlived certain desires; I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to cross the street."

Dear Professor,

Yes, I realize I have a paper due tomorrow in your class. I honestly don't think I'll be able to do it though- apathy has officially taken over my body. I am looking down on myself from above. Sprawled out on the couch. Legs propped up. Computer on my lap. Headphones in. Expressionless face. Anyone else seeing this would see a vacant body... not too far from the truth actually. The only parts of my body moving are my eardrums, beating gently to the soft sound of Christmas music passing through my earphones. It is as if apathy is a warm blanket draped over my body, so heavy that it has rendered me immobile. I am thinking, but just barely. About the future, and what will become of it. About the past, and what has brought me to this moment. About how your paper has little weight in either. So, I apologize for not writing this. I have no excuses for why I am not doing it, only lack of reason why I should. No offense.

See you tomorrow. Maybe.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Let It Out Monday

From the mind of Hassan at Palabras de la Tortuga...


when you look me in the eyes, what do you see?

Its been years, SPEAK! say something! I'm done waiting...I get it, you dont want me...I aint mad at u either but whats holding you back from just saying something? Is it something I said? You bite your tongue before you even allow yourself to just speak...I'm stronger than I was then...whatever it is, please just say it...

I wish I could just walk up to you and get you to fucking say something...im not crazy ...I wish I could force you to just say it...i need to hear these words...but you refuse to just say them...and I wish I knew why...the fuktup part about it is you will probably read this and not even know that I'm talking to you...

Im glad you still check on me every now and then even if its a bit of spying...I wish you weren't afraid to just way whats on your mind...that is if there is anything to be said...i guess im assuming too much again...and making an ass out of myself again...

I know your life is in a direction you never expected but I can tell you are happy...I hold no grudges, except one...yes i have but one grudge against you...and its a simple question, that i think deserves a real answer...but maybe I'm wrong and I don't deserve an answer or even the time it takes to read this...

My simple question:

From the bottom of my soul I know I see something...
why is it that when I looked you in eye, all I saw was fear? Why did I see fear? Do you fear me?


Friday, November 26, 2010

Dear Ana

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. XOXO"
Dear Ana,

I hate you, so much. But I need you. I look at pictures of myself and I am disgusted. How have I let myself become this? I told myself I wouldn't gain any weight in college- now look at me. My roommate lost a lot of weight in the past year, so now I'm the heaviest. Faith- the designated fat friend. Faith- Why would anyone want to date her? She's nothing you can show off. You're losing me friends. I can't even see anyone from my hometown, even my family, without being embarrassed. Oh, there's Faith, she got big, didn't she? Fuck you. You're always around, and you could solve the problem, but I'm weak. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I have no will power. I feel pressured by my roommates to eat, and so I do. But you can't throw up while they're still in the room, right? Have to wait until they're gone. There's only so many times you can pretend to have a stomach bug. Help me, help me, help me. How much weight can you lose me before New Years? I'm going to the Bahamas and I have to look good in a bathing suit...

I need... willpower.
Or maybe, just acceptance.
(Your words will not help me.
It's beyond my control.)


From Ana

Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors," is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you.
In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature," "intelligent," "14 going on 45," and you possess "so much potential." Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely nowhere! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, furthermore you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.
Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look . . . fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not," you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: Deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.
But I am about to change all that. I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, two hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.
Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything . . . if you eat, all the control will be broken . . . do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect-skinned, white-teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.
Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fibre left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self-control, you are going to get fat.
When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow, you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out, but no one will listen. Who cares?!?!! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.
Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodical calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please.
I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone who tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.


Monday, November 22, 2010

Let It Out Monday

From the mind of Ella at Breath Of Ella...

Dear Buddy,

I am intrigued by you and frankly I'm not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing.
Every time we meet I learn something new about you, but it isn't enough for me to get a good read on you.
I know you are a good person, I know you are unbelievably sweet but I know absolutely nothing else.

I want to know.
I crave it.
Maybe, I'm craving you.

and it's all because you are so damn intriguing.
So mysterious.
So... Buddy.

So please, keep coming around me so that I can learn these things about you.
Or maybe you could just speed up the process and ask me to dinner.
It doesn't have to be a date.. I mean I like food, you like food it just seems like a good idea.

Someone who hopes to see you again... very soon.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Dear Reader

"We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger."

Dear Reader,

Think one thing, say another. We all do it. Wouldn't it be nice, though, to just once say what's really on our minds? We could never do that, though. What would people think? Surely most would not react the way you would want them to, and, deep down, we all know this. So we twist our words, and the truth. We keep things like journals and diaries and blogs- the only places where we can just be ourselves. Even in the blogging world, though, it is hard to do this. People you know read what you write, and it's out there online for everyone to see. I want to start something up again that I did on my last blog- it's called Let It Out Monday. If you would like, send me a letter that you have written, or one that you have stumbled upon online. For those of you who, just once, want to escape the pressure of what other people think about you, tell me and I'll post it anonymously. For those of you who say to hell with what other people think, give me the link to your site and I'll post it with your letter. Let It Out Monday will be every Monday. I will post one letter, on a first come, first serve basis. My e-mail is gottahavefai@gmail.com, you can send them there. Intro quote not necessary, but welcomed. Look forward to hearing from you!


Saturday, November 20, 2010

To The Nice Girls

This one was written by Jessica Leigh Griffith. You can see the actual post here.

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a t-shirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend - - but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

Friday, November 19, 2010

To The Ladies Out There That Haven't Figured It Out

This is a letter posted on Craigslist, three years ago today:

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.


A Recovering Nice Guy

Thursday, November 18, 2010

To The Nice Guys

I have hereby dubbed the rest of this week “Week for the Nice Ones”. My next few posts will be dedicated to this. For those of you who followed my last blog, sorry there may be a couple of repeats. They’re a good read though. This one was written by Fu-zu Jen in 2003, for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal. You can view this post here. If anyone has a letter they want to write to a “nice girl” or “nice guy”, just send it over! My e-mail is gottahavefai@gmail.com. I can post it either anonymously or with a link to your blog.

Happy reading!

Ode to the Nice Guys

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.