Friday, November 26, 2010

Dear Ana

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. XOXO"
Dear Ana,

I hate you, so much. But I need you. I look at pictures of myself and I am disgusted. How have I let myself become this? I told myself I wouldn't gain any weight in college- now look at me. My roommate lost a lot of weight in the past year, so now I'm the heaviest. Faith- the designated fat friend. Faith- Why would anyone want to date her? She's nothing you can show off. You're losing me friends. I can't even see anyone from my hometown, even my family, without being embarrassed. Oh, there's Faith, she got big, didn't she? Fuck you. You're always around, and you could solve the problem, but I'm weak. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I have no will power. I feel pressured by my roommates to eat, and so I do. But you can't throw up while they're still in the room, right? Have to wait until they're gone. There's only so many times you can pretend to have a stomach bug. Help me, help me, help me. How much weight can you lose me before New Years? I'm going to the Bahamas and I have to look good in a bathing suit...

I need... willpower.
Or maybe, just acceptance.
(Your words will not help me.
It's beyond my control.)



  1. Faith, this honestly brought tears to my eyes. I have just started reading your blog and I find you beautiful! I've never dealt with Ana, but I've been "big" all my life and grew up with an mentally abusive mother. Now, the love of my life calls me beautiful and I can't believe him. I want to, but I can't esp. after I've gained SO much weight since we started dating. Girl, we can get to a point to love ourself inside and out!!
    ~From one blogger to another, Andie

  2. This could have come from my own head. Except the Bahamas part, that I'm a little jealous about.

  3. Faith:
    ¿Qué decirte considerando tus últimas palabras? Lo más probable es que nada de lo te deje escrito modifique tus pensamientos ya que ni siquiera me conoces y no hay mucho que palabras a distancia de una desconocida cambien mucho nuestras actitudes.
    No eres la primer persona que "conozco" que posee esta horrenda enfermedad pero como cada vez que conozco a alguien más me toma por sorpresa las razones. Claro, para mí es simple sorprenderme por las razones ya que si bien jamás fui de contextura pequeña (todo lo contrario, siempre clasifiqué en el tipo de persona que tenía 1 o 2 kilos de más), nunca me importó demasiado lo que otros pudieran opinar de mi cuerpo o el hecho de que tengo 17 años y aún no he tenido novio ni he experimentado ninguna situación amorosa con ningún chico.
    Pero como todos, también tengo mis problemas y es que no somos perfectos. Qué fácil sería la vida si lo fuéramos, ¿no? Qué rápido solucionaríamos nuestros problemas y seguiríamos adelante como si nada hubiera sucedido. Bueno pero es que la vida es tragedia y comedia al mismo tiempo y desafortunadamente siempre presenta una roca diferente en nuestro camino que debemos apartar.
    En fin, el propósito de mi comentario no es que mañana te levantes con la idea de cambiar este estúpido hábito de creer que te ves gorda y de que eso es un signo de fracaso porque REALMENTE NO LO ES y porque sé que es como pedirle al sol que salga por las noches, pero que al menos intentes encontrarle algo de razón a estas palabras y busques ayuda. Sé que a veces parece que no hay mucho que la gente pueda hacer para ayudarnos pero a veces, a veces realmente pueden cambiar nuestras vidas.
    Te deseo lo mejor honestamente y no dudes en contactarme si alguna vez quieres hablar de algo :)
    Un beso enorme,

  4. I probably can't say anything you haven't heard. Personally I kind of like to think of bodies as simply being containers. Who we really are is trapped inside. Seriously, it explains away so many would be flaws.

  5. This post, as well as the previous, really got to me. I almost cried. I've never suffered from anorexia, but this opened my eyes to it- even if it was just a small amount. Thank you for posting this! I love your blog :)

  6. i know exactly how you feel, i was close to tears as i was reading it.
    i hope you start to feel better hun, really :)

  7. You are beautiful and precious. Try to see the positive things in you and never ever judge yourself by worldly standards. Discover the beauty in you and i am sure you will feel better and your fat days can become a thing of the past.

  8. I just found you on 20SB and hope you don't mind comments from a random stranger...
    Girl, I feel you! I've gone from anorexia to "normal" to a ton of illness weight-gain that made me "the fat one." I hated always feeling not as hot as my friends when we went out.

    But, I can guarantee you are still cute and attractive! There are still things to love about your different, (but I'm assuming healthy,) body. Let's be honest, bigger girls have larger bosoms...just saying ;-) Get a new hairstyle, buy some fun jewelry, try on clothes that flatter your curves, whatever it takes to help you feel special. Maybe you and your roommate can hit the gym together or something. Just remember that you are beautiful, and that anorexia is a big fat liar!

  9. You are incredibly beautiful, Faith, even though you may not realize it right now. There are probably a handful of cute boys who steal glances at you and think about how incredibly sexy your curves are. There are probably many girls who look at you and wish they were as pretty as you. I am certain that there are plenty of people who wish they were a part of your life, because they think you are incredible.

    In many ways I know where you are coming from, we all have that inner critic inside us. We have a million rationalizations to counter the compliments that people give us. But, how awesome would it be, if we found the truth in the words of those close to us? When your friends remind you that you are beautiful, pretty or cute, believe them because they aren't lying or saying it just to make you feel better. When you stare at yourself in the mirror, don't focus on all the things you hate, instead look at all the things that make you beautiful; see all of the beauty within you that is so obvious to people around you!

    I hope the voices of your caring friends are louder and more influential than the voices of ana. You are beautiful, truly. :)

  10. Very brave of you to talk about this. I hope you can overcome this issue. Don't isolate youreslf from friends and loved ones, they will help you through this.

  11. I'm on of your newest followers! You're beautiful no matter what! And I think you've written what a lot of people may have on their minds! Very brave of you...wish I were going to the Bahamas for New Years though :(..